Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
