Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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