The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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