Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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