You can't motorboat a personality
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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