She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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