so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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