dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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