The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
