matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
