i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
