All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
