note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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