i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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