Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That accounts for only three of the penises
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
