I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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