my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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