i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
