Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
