nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
