Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
