Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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