Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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