I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
