I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
