Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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