Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
