as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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