My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
