Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
