How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
