dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
