the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
