I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
