Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
