tonight lets celebrate not being married
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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