the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
