the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
And then he peed in my hair
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