So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Let's get the cat blown out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize