I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my vag is so smooth its legendary
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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