you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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