saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
