You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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