Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
