I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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