all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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