i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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