I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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