i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
