I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
