According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize