I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
