I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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