So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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