Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
