Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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