things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
