i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
